Entry 20: "A Not-So-Limited Time Offer!"

Yo!

Spam. Not just a spreadable meat substitute. It's also the most hated addition to your daily incoming email list. Most email services offer an automatic filtering system to avoid having all those ad-heavy emails clutter up your inbox. Unfortunately, that's just not enough. Thanks to a couple strategically placed spelling errors in the return email address and/or subject line, millions upon millions of unwanted spam emails seep into your inboxes each and every day. Why you can never actually unsubscribe from them all and stop having to use spam filters period definitely ranks among my personal top 5 most likely to never be answered questions of all time. Well, aside from "Why do the orange and pink Fla-Vor-Ice Popsicles you get at Rite-Aid for $1.59/box always freeze first, before the other colors?", "Why are we STILL fighting in Iraq?", "Is Tupac Shakur really dead?" and the timeless "How many licks to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?", of course.

According to Wikipedia.com, approximately 55 BILLION "spam" emails were sent out last month alone and dumped into your spam folder (give or take the entire population of Spain), with, I'll bet, exactly 83,512 actually worth opening (not counting the automatic resending of the same email to multiple addresses, obviously. Just the one send each.) because, and ONLY because, the spam filters graciously donated to us by our email provider accidentally filtered an important email to that folder because it thought there happened to be one too many numbers in the return email address, or there was a slight spelling error on the subject line. Readers, in the end, all that's happening here is a 21st century fighting-fire-with-fire scenario, what with trying to thwart a spam email "bot" program with a mail server-implemented spam filtering counter-bot program and all, but when all is said and done, and you get so fed up with the horde of spam thrown your way every day that you're just about ready to stop using email altogether, we must understand the plain and simple fact that...

COMPUTERS ARE RETARDS.

You see, when I used to do website design all the time, I was constantly faced with a never ending situation of debugging my own work, making sure the web content program language worked perfectly. Not a tagline out of place, not an embedded picture name misspelled. It's all part of the job. It's all part of the raw precision that makes not just the internet, but computers in general, tick. Everybody knows the computer is the single most logically precise "mind" (read: "system") in the world. It's also the single dumbest pile of silicon, plastic and metal you'll ever encounter in your life. Obviously, if you don't know how to configure everything just right and make it all work, since the computer can't check itself for you, your several hundred to a few thousand dollar investment isn't worth more than the paper you used to write the check to buy it. Period.

Firewalls, Anti-Virus, Anti-Spyware. We've all heard of them. We all use them (at the very least, Anti-Virus. Almost all email services carry embedded virus protection that's used at the very least when you download attachments. Yahoo, for example, uses Norton AntiVirus for protection). But sometimes, unless it's set up properly, your whole security system can, and will be used to your own detriment. BOTTOM LINE is, we all need to exercise more care when we take the risk of not just opening a spam message, but even opening our spam folder. My advice is, when someone gives you their email address for the first time, add it to your address book IMMEDIATELY so the system will recognize the person and pass the message through to your inbox intact. Don't wait until you receive an email and then hit the button to add them. Like I said, the reason for spam-dumping can potentially be as simple as a misspelled name. Obviously, if you're not worried the person you added to your address book will get lost in spam, or you know for a fact that the system won't get confused when you receive something from the person, you can always take 'em out of the list later. Now that that PSA is out of the way, I've got some Anti-Spyware upgrades to download. ...But that's just me.

-D.

P.S. I hope you'll excuse the blatant self-promotion here; you know I wouldn't do this ordinarily, but I'm in extenuating circumstances here. While I'm on the subject of spam this week, I'd like to transition into mentioning something a friend of mine passed on to me personally, not a spyware-carrying spam message. I'm working on one of those referral sites where if I can get some of you readers to do one of their listed offers (don't worry, they have some free or super-cheap $1-$6 offers too), I'll score an in-demand piece of current cutting-edge technology. Specifically, an Xbox 360. I also want to casually remind you all of the past twenty weeks of interesting blog content I've been delivering to you. Not that I'm expecting this to actually work out as if I'm expecting you all to get involved in this, but it'd really, really be appreciated if I could get some assistance with this. Also, if you wouldn't mind helping with this, one: THANKS BILLIONS and two, make sure to uncheck the "I want to receive promotional emails..." box on the signup page I'm about to provide a link to. I really wouldn't want any of you fine readers to start getting MORE spam on account of me, especially after this week's blog post.

http://xbox360s.freepay.com/?r=31545003

Also, if you get some more people to complete some of those offers when they're linked to the page you'll be sending them with your referral number in the address (obviously, 31545003 is the number for me), you'll get a 360 too! I just wanted to pass this on. Again, everyone, thanks for any help you can give with this. I hope to see you here next Monday, same time and place.

Entry 19: "Raising the Userbar"

Yo!

Man, I've really got to get back on schedule here. 9:40pm is obviously not within the 7-8pm timeframe. Gotta set some alarms next week. Anyway, I've been noticing this recurring trend in the message board community. They're called "Userbars", and they're basically copy-and-paste-able HTML code that inserts super-thin GIF images into your message board or blog posts, website, what have you, whenever you paste it in, and where HTML tags are applicable. This is apparently a way to take a super-small MySpace page with you wherever you go online, because there's a pasteable Userbar for just about everything you could be involved in, and you can paste in as many bars as you want to tell the world about who you are, what you're into, what type of music you're into, even whether or not you download asian pornography (seriously. There's a Userbar for that, too)!

Thanks to the extreme difficulties involved with getting the userbar images themselves I was gonna show you here hosted and linked one-by-one without worrying about the host site deleting them for site bandwidth and you seeing a post full of dead image links, as I'm sure the above bar is soon to be, I'm unable to show you a collective sampling of the available u-bars. Just Google "userbars" by clicking HERE and look around those sites. You'll soon see what I mean about the multitude of bars out there.

Anyway, my gripe is: Is it really necessary to come out with stuff like "Toilet user" and "spoon user"? Yes, they're humorous, but it's almost like an episode of Futurama. Stupid humor just for the sake of stupid humor, except in a bad way: the Userbars don't get away with it as easily as Groening and company do, and nor should they. Also, there's the overuse factor. These things are so popularly used in message boards across the internet, you'd be hard-pressed to find a board without at least one... dozen... displayed somewhere on it. Bottom line: Yes, the userbars are good and pretty darn funny depending on what website you see them posted on, but please, people. Exercise moderation in Userbar posting. Remember: Friends don't let friends post stupid crap. ...Or something like that. Ah, forget it, you get the joke...........................................But that's just me.

See you next Monday.

-D.

Entry 18: "Reality Check"

Yo!

What the crap is America's continued obsession with reality television? Sure it can be argued that the real reality onslaught started with CBS's "Survivor", which gave everyone excellent water-cooler-chat-fodder while the nation waited for the 2000 Summer Olympics that September [Seriously, Olympic Comittee. Could we please consider changing the name to the current season of the year, if the games don't actually start in Summer? At least call 'em the "Indian Summer" Olympiad already], but actually most people don't know that the real genesis of Reality can be traced back to MTV's "The Real World", which launched on May 21, 1992. Seriously.

It's fast approaching a time where we'll be facing a "Running Man"-esque future where we'll actually be bombarded not by arguably pseudo-scripted television, but by networks so desperate for programming, they start forcing their cameras on us all, literally, and this time, no $1,000,000 stipend for the winner, who won't be picked since noone will be bothering to vote, because noone will want to watch that kind of crap anymore, especially with themselves in front of the camera lens. The camera adds ten pounds, you know. I can see the intro sequence now: "This is the story of 295,734,134 strangers suckered into watching a pointless television genre on a regular basis and have their primetime TV viewing habits thoroughly manipulated. Find out what happens when people stop tuning in, and start turning off their TVs. The Really, Really, Real This Time, We Promise World, America."

Adding insult to injury is the coincidental fact that Real World just hit a 400th episode milestone just last month, on a very appropriate date: 6...6...06. That's right, Episode 400 happened to air the same day as the big day people were fearing would be the other, OTHER day of the Apocalypse. ...And that creepy Damien kid's return to theatres, but that's completely unrelated. The Bottom Line: Networks of America! FORGET ABOUT REALITY ALREADY! Nobody really cares about reality TV that much anymore, and beating a dead horse, post-decomposition, won't get you ratings. Only angry bloggers like myself trying their darndest to end the madness, but with no positive effect. Seriously, how many American Idols do we need? Ah, forget this crappy topic. I'm watching RAW tonight. Somehow, scripted sports manages to beat scripted reality every time........................But that's just me.

Later, peeps!


-D.

Entry 17: "Top of the World Cup, Ma!!!!"

Yo!

Alright, in response to "Leo Mom"'s comments on last week's blog post, I don't currently, and didn't ever resent "parent(s) expecting their offspring to share a little of their techno-expertise from time to time." Furthermore, as far as the "technology that replaced said parent(s) in importance to you", that is/was never the case with me. Again, my point last week was a brief plea to the parents of America to exercise more effort in remembering what we, the teenagers of America, teach you about technology from time to time. I never expressed resentment in that post, and if anything about that post supposedly got any of that across, I apologize for writing it in a manner that could be easily misconstrued like that. But please understand, eventually the re-teaching does get old.

Case in point, earlier today, I had to teach my grandmother how to turn on her cell phone again, because she forgot to hold the power button down for a couple seconds. Since she uses one of those color Motorola phones, when she quickly pressed it, expecting it to turn on, it flashed white and cut off prematurely, which she thought meant a dead battery. Do I resent my grandmother for forgetting to hold the button and not press it, or the fact she came to me for help? Certainly not. Do I hold technology in a higher regard than people period, let alone my closest family? Of course not. I hope this answers your comments appropriately, "L.M."

Moving on, unless you were nowhere near a television last night, chances are, you already know about Italy's World Cup victory, and the fact that Fabio Grosso is now basically being treated as Italy's version of 2005 Tom Brady, but without actually having the two previous championships under his belt. As far as I know offhand. I'll have to do more Googling later. Anyway, congrats to Italy on their newest football feat. Mark your calendars, people: The next World Cup in 2010 will, according to the official WC website, HERE, will have South Africa as a host country.

Personally, I've never been one for soccer/"football", but apparently that's the sport of the summer. It seems you can't do too many Google searches these days without finding something somehow WC-related. Plus, all the merchandising, promotions, and THIS little gem that Xbox 360ers are running left-and-right I hear, apparently [the OTHER] football's where it's at. Bottom line: As I said, I've never really paid attention to this sport a whole lot, but I suppose all the hubbub is worth verifying sooner or later. By the end of summer, I'm gonna check out this sport and try at least one of those game simulations. If any of you know of any good online soccer games worth checking out, you know the drill. Shoot me a comment or message. I'm pretty sure, though, even after doing this investigation, AMERICAN football'll still be my main sport.........But that's just me.

Later!

-D.

Entry 16: "The Computer-Knowledgeable Guy Wore Tennis Shoes"

Yo!

Well, America, you'll hit your 230th birthday this week. Congratulations! And you don't look a day over 229! ....But that's not what this week's post is about. I'm using this post to address a common problem among teenagers these days, most notably those of us who keep up with modern technology: Our parents are constantly using us as an on-call resource for computer help. The instant our parents' computers start acting up because they've been forgetting to empty their recycle bin for the past several months and the computer's getting slow, or they can't check their "E-mails" because they forgot to check if the wireless connection is active (or they forgot to plug in the phone line, whatever the case may be), it's "run to the young'un's room" time!! Mentality simulation: "They're up to the task of figuring it out! I'm way too busy with stuff like paying bills and keeping up with work to remember what my kids take time to teach me about how to operate my [several-hundred to a few thousand dollar] investment!!!"

Parents of America! Hear my proclamation! We, the "ornery, ungrateful, don't-know-how-easy-we-have-it" teenagers, know and understand the difficulties that come with being a responsible adult. Well, unless you're age 18 , you don't know through firsthand experience, but we all generally do observe the stress that these real-world matters load on you on a regular basis, and we do appreciate you for constantly doing what you do to make our transition into full adulthood as relatively painless as possible, with nothing but the best intentions in mind. But seriously. When we come in to hook up the phone line, switch on your wireless network card, point out the "compose email" button, or even turn on the computer for you-- whatever the problem may be,

Please.....

PLEASE..............

PLEASE TRY TO REMEMBER WHAT WE DO SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME BACK TO US EVERY OTHER WEEK AT BEST OVER THE SAME TYPES OF PROBLEMS!!!!!

I say this mainly to my mother and my grandmother. My grandmother has only recently (read: since September) been actively involved with her computer, and I understand that, and I'm willing to be patient with my explanations. We all have at least one truly non-computer savvy relative. My mother, on the other hand, is a tad more computer-literate than my grandmother, and it's her job to be (she does medical transcription. You know how when you go to the doctor for a checkup, and near the end your doctor steps out of the room to go to his/her office to add to your records? What he/she's actually doing is dictating the checkup results into a tape recorder and it's transcriptionists like my mother that type out the recording, and add the full document to your medical records. That's what a transcriptionist does), but when she comes home and has difficulty with how long it takes with opening her web browser because there's too many programs running in the background, that problem is usually solved with this helpful trick (you other Windows XP-er parents might want to take note):

STEP 1: Hit Ctrl Alt Delete on your keyboard.

STEP 2: Make sure the "Processes" tab is selected in the newly popped-up Task Manager window.

STEP 3: Click the "Mem[ory] Usage" tab a couple times so that the numbers in that column are in descending order, going down.

STEP 4: If you recognize the "Image Name" of a program that you didn't/shouldn't have run (read: "Startup Program"), right-click on it, hit "End Process", tremble in fear of the thought of the "system instability" warning being right this time (it almost never is, depending on what's closed. Only do this trick on programs that don't have "System" or "Network Service" as a user name, just in case. Those programs are kinda sensitive to this), and after confirming with your kid(s) how useless, at the moment, the program is, hit OK, and that should speed things up a little bit.

Now, don't go overboard and do this with all the programs in the list, because some of them are required for running certain things on the computer, even if they don't have System or Network Service as a user name. For example:

IEXPLORE.EXE/NETSCAPE.EXE/FIREFOX.EXE = Chances are, one of these programs is what you're using to read this Blog. IEXPLORE is Internet Explorer, NETSCAPE and FIREFOX are... well, Netscape and Mozilla Firefox. These are your web browsers. That's it.

EXPLORER.EXE = This is called Windows Explorer. This program must be running at all times, at least unless you prefer working with a computer interface that doesn't involve opening folders or using the Start Menu. That's what Explorer does.

WMPLAYER.EXE = This is standard Windows Media Player. If you don't know what this does, chances are, you have no business even being in the same room with a computer.

QUICKTIMEPLAYER.EXE = QuickTime Player. If you own a Mac, see above sentence.

These are just a few examples of programs you'll see in Task Manager. If you see a program you're not sure of, hit Start --> Search... and type in the name of the program. When the search is done, right-click on the program icon and hit "Show Containing Folder". Hopefully, the surrounding files should clue you in on what the file is and what it does.

There. That's my community service time for the month. Hopefully, that'll help you parents solve a VEEEERRRRRRYYYYYYY common computer problem, and let you learn a little something in the process. As always, comments, questions and kudos are always welcome on this, or any of my previous Blog entries. Keep on coming to this page, and I may have some more small suggestions like these to help you out a little along the way. Oh, and sorry about the length of this post. A tad wordy, I know. At least it was really informative and worth reading .........................But that's just me. ........................And hopefully, some of you parents out there, too. You're welcome, and Happy 4th of July!!!!!!

Later!

-D.