Entry 35: "Britney's Millions"

Yo!

Yeah, this week's blog title goes out to Richard Pryor. Had to do it. Okay, first off, a quick show of hands: Who out there DIDN'T see the Democratic takeover of Congress coming somehow? ...........Mmmm-hmm, I didn't think so. After everything that's happened with the massive war issues, Katrina, the string of closeted gay Republicans resigning every other day it seems, and even despite John Kerry's failed joke, we'll have a Democratic majority in Washington for the first time in what, ten, twelve years I think? Plus Donald Rumsfeld getting the boot less than two days after the election just had to add up to the best week ever to be a conservative. Overwhelmingly obvious sarcasm aside, I gotta keep sticking to my anti-politics rant rule I mentioned four entries ago. This week though, I have to say a few things about the worst thing to happen to music since William Hung: Kevin Federline.

Personally, I'm still trying to figure out exactly what Britney Spears saw in him from day one, really. Supposedly, the story goes that Britney first noticed K-Fed in some club near L.A., I think. I forgot the name; She made the first move (again, how does that happen?), and the rest is basically pop culture history, and simultaneously the single worst reality show ever. So as of last Wednesday, the divorce is final, the dust has relatively settled, and somewhere, Shar Jackson's laughing her head off knowing that even despite Kevin's $30,000/month alimony from Britney (I heard from Y! Answers, so it must be true), he's probably never going to get back up to the almost birdcage liner-caliber celebrity status he thought he had while he was married, and since he can't have that slight boost of a title anymore ("Mr. Britney"), his "rap career" (if you can even call it that) is basically permanently dead and he's now even more trapped in loserville than ever before. Seriously, who really bought into that retarded album anyway?

The next big thing on his plate is this wrestling match he set up last week pitting himself against John Cena on New Years Day's WWE Raw. With the whole drama surrounding the divorce still fresh, no less. Sure, some people will give K-Fed a little leeway if he fails to beat Cena, even knowing he won't have to be completely broke again at least for a good long time thanks to the alimony, and I'm sure eventually celebrity casting for Match Game 2015 will bring him about twelve and a half extra undeserved seconds of fame, but by then I'm sure we'll all care even less than we do now about his laughable existence. Which I'm pretty sure is mathematically impossible, by the way.

Bottom Line:

Pimped-out Cadillac Escalade: upwards of $90,000.
Various "Bling" jewelery: $12,000.
Crunk Juice: $23.49-$41.99/case, apparently.
The expression on K-Fed's face as Britney's text message requesting a divorce is received, caught on camera: Priceless.

Good riddance from the public eye, Fed-Ex. May you never pollute the radio or TV airwaves again anytime soon. Or period. .....But that's just me.

Later.

-D.